Tool of the Month Club

People ask why I don't date guys who describe themselves as "young professionals." I never quite knew the answer - it was more of a gut feeling. But now, thanks to an e-mail I got today, I know! Read it and weep:

Hello wonderful and beautiful people of Vancouver!

We are a group of young professionals who decided that instead of complaining about the lack of fun night life and interesting people in Vancouver, we should do something about it.We know there are several social groups in Vancouver, most have open memberships. Thats fine, but we are looking for something at the higher end. People who are financially secure and want to network with other successful people.We have been to several other groups and have been to a lot of events, some are good some and bad. What we want to do with this group is to be exclusive on who can join so we can find like minded people who share the same passion and interests.

We are not looking to create a huge group, we are fine with 50-100 fun people who know what they want in life.

Yes, this will be exclusive and we will not be allowing everyone to join. We want successful people who are beautiful inside and out and have difficulty meeting quality people at their same level.

What we can promise you is that our team of business professionals and promotion experts will create amazing events and exclusive parties for you so you can meet with the best the city has to offer. We will have exclusive business networking events as well as fun events for singles and professionals.

Some people will obviously criticize us for being exclusive, but at this stage of our lives we are interested in meeting people who can turn into positive relationships for years to come. We want to only attract the best and the brightest from Vancouver.

There will be a membership card issued to all would-be members.

Don't you just want to smack him/her? I probably shouldn't get worked up about a spam e-mail, but... I just hope it's a massive scam, so that the smug douchebags who actually reply to it get taken for all they're worth.

So guys: do you live in your parents' basement? Are you working toward your third masters degree? Have you been writing that brilliant screenplay for 7 years, in between backpacking trips to Thailand? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you're the guy for me! At least your hobbies probably don't include "eugenics."

The best thing that EVER happened to me?

I just read a fascinating article by Judy Segal, called “Cancer isn't the best thing that ever happened to me.”

http://www.vancouversun.com/health/Cancer+best+thing+that+ever+happened/2752354/story.html

For those of you who aren't going to click the link, here's what it's all about. Basically, when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, she found that there was only one way that she could talk about her experience, only one possible script to follow: “I found a lump; I was scared; I stayed positive and I fought; I recovered; now I am a better person; in some ways, cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me.”

If she deviated from this scripted narrative, by hinting that she was scared or angry rather than enlightened, family, friends, and society didn't know what to do with her. She says it best: “If, as a person with cancer, you violate the code of optimism, or if cancer somehow failed to improve you, you'd better be quiet.”

*******DISCLAIMER*********

I am now about to make a possibly inappropriate transition into whining about my personal life. Please note that I don't intend to belittle cancer – dear family members have had it, and at work, I see amazing, brave kids face things every day that I've never imagined. If you are offended by inappropriate segues, please stop reading now. Thank you.

So anyways, as you know, I recently experienced a breakup. When I tried to talk about my feelings with an old friend, he threw a fit and decided he never wanted to speak to me again. I had no idea why, until I read that article. I realized: he threw the fit because I wasn't following the Socially Acceptable Breakup Narrative. You know the one:

The day of the breakup:

I eat ice cream in my pajamas while watching Sex and the City. My girlfriends come over to comfort me, we give each other makeovers, and possibly a pillow fight breaks out.

The next day:

I vow to put it all behind me. Aren't I glad that I'm not with that horrible person anymore, who constantly made me miserable? I just want to forget all about him! Now I can finally be ME!

The next week:

This is actually the best thing that ever happened to me because now I'm so much stronger! What a wonderful opportunity!

But that day, talking to my friend, I mentioned that I still value the great times my ex and I had together, and that I think being single actually kinda blows. In other words, I went waaaay off the script. And he had no idea how to react. Hence the hissy fit and ensuing silent treatment.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: some things just plain suck. And you shouldn't have to be shunned by society for saying so.

I will leave you with the words of Michael Scott :

“You know when people say, getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to them?

I feel sorry for those people.

That's? The best thing? Really? Yugh!”

I wish I owned this place so I could actually go through with it...

Dear Robin (sic),

I appreciate that you are such a quiet neighbour. However, I would like you to know that I was awakened at 3 a.m. last night because of some noise (which I believe originated from your apartment).

Regards,

Weirdo.

Dear Weirdo,

I appreciate that you usually have a life. However, I would like you to know that you did not have one at 3 am last night. You also did not have one this morning, when you took time to compose and type an overly formal letter to me. I trust that you will take measures to remedy this situation, and regain said life in order to preserve the quiet, peaceful character of this building.

I would also like to draw your attention to the severe winds that were in effect April 2-3, 2010, which caused a severe rattling of windows and blowing about of garbage cans, and were likely the source of said noise. Although I am 25 years younger than you, unfortunately I did not cause this phenomenon just to annoy you, and thus cannot accept the blame.

Regards,

Robyn.

In which the blogger discovers the impurity of her soul...

So I went to a Yoga class today. I figured, since it is Vancouver's main pastime, I should give it a go!

Now, there was a chance that I inherited a Terrible-at-Yoga gene. My dad lives and breathes yoga - it changed his life. My mom, after listening him rave about the benefits of yoga for years, decided to join a class. For those of you who haven't met my mom, she is a very fit lady, and can pass for 20 years younger than she is. 15 minutes into her first yoga class, she ran from the room to puke her guts out.

I thought I'd be okay, though. I figure-skated for almost 20 years, and had no problem with whirling at breakneck speed around the ice. My coach used to make me spin for 3 minutes straight, while timing me with a stopwatch. Dizziness was never an issue, and a lot of yoga poses are quite similar to figure skating poses.

I picked a Hot Yoga class, which I also thought would be okay. I love the heat. I'm more comfortable in 40 degree heat than I am in an air-conditioned room. I was in Greece in 2007 (remember the year with all the wildfires and the record-breaking heat?) and just loved it. I was the only one out exploring while my tourmates suffered, with the AC blasting, in their rooms. So, Hot Yoga - no sweat! (har har)

15 minutes into the class, I started to feel, well...funny. "Breathe it out, just breathe it out," I reassured myself. 30 seconds later, I was in the washroom with the dry heaves. 15 minutes later, I told myself, "Okay, you got through it, now finish the class!" 5 minutes later, I was lying on my mat watching the the room spin. That was the end.

I left, still clutching my stomach in agony, while all around me happy voices cried, "That was sooooooo much fun! I want to do it EVERY DAY!!!!!"

So, has this ever happened to anyone else, or do my mother and I need exorcisms, pronto?

Remember this guy?

This is Manuel Uribe, the 2007 world record holder for Fattest Man, en route to his wedding on a flatbed truck. His wife, Claudia Solis, is actually quite an attractive lady. Now, I don't mean to belittle Manuel's condition, or the power of this couple's love. But...don't you think this story proves a point? That dating is soooooo much easier for men than for women?

I mean, really. Guys, you can literally weigh a ton, never leave your house, and require a "specially designed ramp" in order to have sex. But still, some beautiful woman will magically appear and fall in love with you. It's not fair.

Pick up any women's magazine and you'll notice that its main subject is Keeping Your Man, as if men were the most skittish, impossible-to-please creatures in the universe:

Date ideas to Keep Your Man!

Makeup, fashion, and hygiene tips to Keep Your Man!

Celebrities who have Kept Their Man, and how!

Celebrities who have not Kept Their Man, and why!

Are you too jealous? Are you not jealous enough?

Are you too flirty? Are you not flirty enough?

Are you too distant? Do you need to give him more space?

The rules of Keeping Your Man are enough to make a girl's head spin. And even if you follow every rule to the letter (even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff), it's completely futile. Because men ARE the most skittish, impossible-to-please creatures in the universe. One day you'll look at him the wrong way, or Saturn will be aligned with Sagittarius, and he'll be on the first bus to Splitsville.

It's just not fair.

Singlehood - Day 1

So I was reading an article the other day about how more couples break up in January than any other month. Something about New Year's Resolutions, and improving your life by randomly cutting ties with those who love you. Little did I know that it was omen. Yay.

So, for all of you who have made it through January without a breakup, I have compiled a list of clichés to avoid when consoling your newly single friends, i.e me:

“It’s better to be happy and single than unhappy in a relationship.”

Yes, excellent advice for many. But some, like me, were quite happy in said relationship, did not see this coming, and now are not happy at all, single or not.

“You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.”

Is this supposed to be a double entendre, or am I just imagining things?

“Try to see this as a wonderful opportunity – now you can do what you really want with your life!”

Firstly, I resent the implication that a person in a relationship is somehow less of a person, that I was a mindless slave to the whims of my boyfriend and had no sense of my own identity.

Secondly, being in a relationship was what I wanted to do with my life! Believe me, I have experienced the myriad joys that singlehood has to offer, and really, it’s not that great. In our society, we have this (ironically enough) romantic vision of singlehood as some pinnacle of freedom and self-expression. However, most people still have to work for a living, and won’t be going on any meditation retreats to Nepal for a while. So mostly, singlehood consists of my everyday dull routine, without the consolations of human companionship, and occasionally peppered with terrible blind dates.

“There are plenty of fish in the sea”

Yeah, I've only had one real boyfriend in my life. This one won't fly, I'm afraid.

So what is the answer? What is the best thing to say? I don't know, but hugs are always good.

Things I Learned in 2009

1) The public's appetite for freakishly large families, and for midgets, is insatiable.

2 ) Insecure, self-loathing vampires are awesome. Werewolves are all really nice guys too, but alas, they never get the girl.

3) Vancouverites are NEVER happy.

“It's snowing! It's cold! I hate it! Waaaaaaah!”

“It's raining! It's wet! I hate it! Waaaaaaah!”

“It's sunny! It's hot! I hate it! Waaaaaaah!"

Poor babies.

4) American politics are really really annoying. Medical care = red socialist menace. Stay-in-school programs = red socialist menace. My ham and cheese sandwich = red socialist menace. I can't even get angry anymore - just bored out of my mind.

5) Vancouver is one of the most expensive places to live in North America. We have some of the highest liquor prices in the North America, and if you travel 2 Zones on a daily basis, you're paying more for your transit than they do in New York City! Well, at least we have many exciting entertainment options, such as hiking, walking, strolling, meandering, moseying, striding, perambulating, parading...See, lots of things!

6) Exercise makes you fat. Yes. According to the latest scientific study (as seen on CNN), going to the gym will make you so hungry that you won't be able to resist heading to the nearest McDonald's for 10 Big Macs. So, stop exercising and let those pounds just melt away as you lie on your couch watching reality shows about midgets!

7) South America is awesome. Forget about the horror stories that may have happened to a friend of a friend of a friend. Just go there.

Anyways, any other thoughts about 2009?

Coming soon, New Year's Resolutions!