Singlehood - Day 1

So I was reading an article the other day about how more couples break up in January than any other month. Something about New Year's Resolutions, and improving your life by randomly cutting ties with those who love you. Little did I know that it was omen. Yay.

So, for all of you who have made it through January without a breakup, I have compiled a list of clichés to avoid when consoling your newly single friends, i.e me:

“It’s better to be happy and single than unhappy in a relationship.”

Yes, excellent advice for many. But some, like me, were quite happy in said relationship, did not see this coming, and now are not happy at all, single or not.

“You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.”

Is this supposed to be a double entendre, or am I just imagining things?

“Try to see this as a wonderful opportunity – now you can do what you really want with your life!”

Firstly, I resent the implication that a person in a relationship is somehow less of a person, that I was a mindless slave to the whims of my boyfriend and had no sense of my own identity.

Secondly, being in a relationship was what I wanted to do with my life! Believe me, I have experienced the myriad joys that singlehood has to offer, and really, it’s not that great. In our society, we have this (ironically enough) romantic vision of singlehood as some pinnacle of freedom and self-expression. However, most people still have to work for a living, and won’t be going on any meditation retreats to Nepal for a while. So mostly, singlehood consists of my everyday dull routine, without the consolations of human companionship, and occasionally peppered with terrible blind dates.

“There are plenty of fish in the sea”

Yeah, I've only had one real boyfriend in my life. This one won't fly, I'm afraid.

So what is the answer? What is the best thing to say? I don't know, but hugs are always good.

Things I Learned in 2009

1) The public's appetite for freakishly large families, and for midgets, is insatiable.

2 ) Insecure, self-loathing vampires are awesome. Werewolves are all really nice guys too, but alas, they never get the girl.

3) Vancouverites are NEVER happy.

“It's snowing! It's cold! I hate it! Waaaaaaah!”

“It's raining! It's wet! I hate it! Waaaaaaah!”

“It's sunny! It's hot! I hate it! Waaaaaaah!"

Poor babies.

4) American politics are really really annoying. Medical care = red socialist menace. Stay-in-school programs = red socialist menace. My ham and cheese sandwich = red socialist menace. I can't even get angry anymore - just bored out of my mind.

5) Vancouver is one of the most expensive places to live in North America. We have some of the highest liquor prices in the North America, and if you travel 2 Zones on a daily basis, you're paying more for your transit than they do in New York City! Well, at least we have many exciting entertainment options, such as hiking, walking, strolling, meandering, moseying, striding, perambulating, parading...See, lots of things!

6) Exercise makes you fat. Yes. According to the latest scientific study (as seen on CNN), going to the gym will make you so hungry that you won't be able to resist heading to the nearest McDonald's for 10 Big Macs. So, stop exercising and let those pounds just melt away as you lie on your couch watching reality shows about midgets!

7) South America is awesome. Forget about the horror stories that may have happened to a friend of a friend of a friend. Just go there.

Anyways, any other thoughts about 2009?

Coming soon, New Year's Resolutions!

Man Invites 700 Friends to Party, 1 Shows Up

Why does this not surprise me at all?

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/26/magazine/26lives-t.html

I've long felt that we are living in the flakiest of times. To paraphrase the article, “maybe” means no, and “definitely yes” means probably no.

This is the age when, “I'm feeling kinda lazy tonight,” is a legitimate excuse for breaking plans with me that have been in the works for a month. Same with the mysterious, dreaded, “Something came up.”

What? What could possibly have come up? If the “something” was an eccentric billionaire who decided to whisk you off to the south of France, I would understand. But I know deep in my heart that the “something” is much more mundane. Either you made better plans with cooler people, or else you're at home watching So You Think You Can Dance.

I used to be offended that So You Think You Can Dance was a legitimate excuse for ditching me. Now, however, I'm learning to blend in with Vancouver society and just not care. Somebody bails on me to complete a laughably non-urgent task? Meh. Whatever. I Don't Need Friendship With Other People to Define Me; I Am An Individual.

I've even started learning the Vancouver Flake language. I have this one friend that I talk to every week. And, every week, we go through the same hollow motions of making plans for the weekend.

“So I'll call you on Saturday at 3?”

“Great, see you then!”

However, we both know we have no serious intention of getting together on Saturday at 3. The words have become a friendly way of saying goodbye: “I still care about you, but, meh, I've just been feeling kinda tired for the past decade. You understand.”

Same with “See you soon.” Three words that once meant: “I will meet you in the near future.” Now they too are just a way of saying goodbye, the socially accepted sounds to make when you're hanging up the phone.

So I ask you, in a world where “See you on Tuesday then,” is synonymous for “Goodbye, we may never meet again,” how do you avoid developing trust issues?

I was going to think of an answer to that question, but, well, something came up. See you soon.

Yes, I am an English Major...

...No, I don't want to teach.

But for some reason, all my relatives and friends have decided that it is my destiny to teach. And that I will be an unfulfilled shell of a person until I decide to embrace that destiny. It doesn't matter that, for the past few years, I have successfully worked in a field completely unrelated to teaching.

So, once and for all, here is my rant about why I can't teach:

Elementary School: We had this extremely terrifying system at my elementary school called Lunch Monitoring. Basically, one 12-year-old (me) was left in charge of 25 8-year-olds for an hour every day. These 8-year-olds soon realized that I had no real authority over them, and immediately went Lord of the Flies. After several days of ineffectual threats and shouting, I left them to their brawling, closed the door, and hoped the principal wouldn't walk by. So really, if I can't even prevent kids from trashing the place, how am I supposed to teach them to read?

High School: Are you serious? You want me to go back to a place that 90% of adults are still traumatized by? A place where a kid's popularity is directly related to how little they study?

University: At least by now, you've weeded out the kids who think they're too cool for homework. You are left with former high school nerds who are excited to be finally accepted by their classmates. The Honours Society even sells t-shirts. Sounds like a perfect environment for a teacher, right? Wrong. Many of these nerds, drunk on their new-found power, go too far and attempt to overthrow the professors. No matter what class you are in, there will always be one.

"Does this relate to early Russian constructivism?"

"Can you compare that to the Foucauldian principle of Confusing-Everybody-With-Big-Words-For-No-Apparent-Reason-Just-Because-I'm-A-Jackass?"

Thanks but no thanks.

ESL: "It's so easy!" you say. "You just talk to people all day!" Um, yeah. Me and all the other awkward social misfits in the room just ran away to hide. You'll never find us.

"But," you may suggest, "what if you just tried teaching - maybe in 5 or 6 years you'd learn to enjoy it!" So you're saying that, out of all the thousands of careers in the world, I should pick the very one that I am determined not to pick, and spend the rest of my life trying to pound a square peg into a round hole?

Maybe a metaphor would help. Would you find a boyfriend or girlfriend by hitting on the person you find least attractive?

Anyways, I greatly admire those people that like teaching and are good at it. Why don't we help make the world a better place - leave the teaching to them, and leave me out of it!

Blondes have more fun?

If so, I feel really sorry for all the brunettes and redheads out there.

The truth is, at least in Canada , that the cult of the blonde has been dead for a very, very long time. Just ask any blonde who's ever tried to get a date in Vancouver. Before I met my gorgeous boyfriend, this was my typical interaction with men:

Guy: “Hi, my name's Guy.”
Me: “Hi, nice to meet you.”
Guy: “I should tell you right now, I don’t like blondes.”
Me: “Um…”
Guy: “I was just wondering – is your friend over there single?”

True story. Eventually I fell into the role of Designated Cockblocker for my girlfriends. Since I was usually unoccupied, it was up to me to rescue the brunettes from constant hordes of ravening, voracious men.

Anyways, happy ending, though. One day, I happened to run into a cute guy who offered to buy me a drink - and not in order to appease the Strange Guardian of Hot Brunettes!

So, brunettes, I'm telling you: RELAX. You don't need to buy any more custom t-shirts advertising your superiority. You don't need to go on rants about how guys only want those vapid cookie-cutter blondes, while ignoring your unique nonconformist edginess. Because look around you - you've already won!

No need to kick those poor blondes when they're down.

Way to go, Karma Police!

So I was buying a Subway sandwich on my way to class today, and there was a long line. This one girl in line was apparently late for an appointment, so she started yelling at the staff for working too slowly. Total bitch.

Then, suddenly, she broke off her tirade and ran out of the store. Turns out, a cop had just pulled up to her car and was writing her a ticket! Everybody in the store laughed at her. She never came back.

So perfect.

Finally, some justice! The phrase, "The customer is always right," has excused countless abuses over the years, and we need to start handing out tickets.

Publicly humiliate fast-food workers because YOU'RE disorganized and running late? Get a ticket, bitch!

Argue with and threaten 16-year-old cashiers over company policy that they have no control over? Get a ticket, asshole!

One day, when I rule the world...

Random observation

The first thing they teach you in every language class is how to ask for somebody's phone number. I've always wondered why, though. If you do get somebody's number, what do you say when you call them?

I imagine the call going like this:

"Hello?"

"Hello. What is your phone number?"

"Who is this?"

"Er...what is your phone number?"

*Click*

Insane.