A few weeks ago, I took an informal poll of my friends: “Is it okay to dump a guy because he hates reading?” The answer was overwhelmingly “Yes!”
Now it’s time for another poll: “Is it okay to dump someone because they’re too chivalrous?”
What? Too chivalrous? How can that be? Well, here’s the situation:
We were heading into a restaurant downtown when a young, attractive woman walked by, attempting to wear a sweatshirt as a dress and failing quite spectacularly.
“Whoa, check that out!” I exclaimed.
Mr. X looked at her for a few seconds, thought for a while, and seized my shoulder. “Robyn,” he declared passionately, “I didn’t notice ANYTHING.”
Barefaced lie # 1. He was staring at a girl without pants on for a good 15 seconds. Now, it's true that his intentions in lying were chivalrous. However, I'm used to hanging out with people who are straightforward, and consider it fair game to comment on whatever falls within their field of vision.
Later in the course of the evening, the topic of music came up. I mentioned that I had Katy Perry's "California Girls" stuck in my head. To fully illustrate the depths of my torment, I launched into an off-key imitation of the song, in a whiny nasal voice.
Mr. X leaned across the table, gazed at me with plaintive puppy-dog eyes, and said, "You sang that really well." WHAT?
Now, I know my sarcasm. There was none in his voice. Therefore,
a) this was some sort of attempt at seduction. But, could he really find nothing to compliment me on without resorting to barefaced lies?
b) he was so convinced of my unearthly feminine grace that he truly believed I sang well.
Either way, it freaked me out. So, just for fun, I offered to pay for dinner. I don't usually insist on this, but I wanted to see what would happen. At first, the hyperventilating, twitching, and panicked babbling were amusing, but after 5 minutes, I wondered if I should be calling 9-1-1. Was this the first case of Death by Feminism?
The good news is that I traumatized him badly enough that he hasn't called me back, and I can get on with my life.
