Singlehood - Day 1

So I was reading an article the other day about how more couples break up in January than any other month. Something about New Year's Resolutions, and improving your life by randomly cutting ties with those who love you. Little did I know that it was omen. Yay.

So, for all of you who have made it through January without a breakup, I have compiled a list of clichés to avoid when consoling your newly single friends, i.e me:

“It’s better to be happy and single than unhappy in a relationship.”

Yes, excellent advice for many. But some, like me, were quite happy in said relationship, did not see this coming, and now are not happy at all, single or not.

“You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.”

Is this supposed to be a double entendre, or am I just imagining things?

“Try to see this as a wonderful opportunity – now you can do what you really want with your life!”

Firstly, I resent the implication that a person in a relationship is somehow less of a person, that I was a mindless slave to the whims of my boyfriend and had no sense of my own identity.

Secondly, being in a relationship was what I wanted to do with my life! Believe me, I have experienced the myriad joys that singlehood has to offer, and really, it’s not that great. In our society, we have this (ironically enough) romantic vision of singlehood as some pinnacle of freedom and self-expression. However, most people still have to work for a living, and won’t be going on any meditation retreats to Nepal for a while. So mostly, singlehood consists of my everyday dull routine, without the consolations of human companionship, and occasionally peppered with terrible blind dates.

“There are plenty of fish in the sea”

Yeah, I've only had one real boyfriend in my life. This one won't fly, I'm afraid.

So what is the answer? What is the best thing to say? I don't know, but hugs are always good.

Things I Learned in 2009

1) The public's appetite for freakishly large families, and for midgets, is insatiable.

2 ) Insecure, self-loathing vampires are awesome. Werewolves are all really nice guys too, but alas, they never get the girl.

3) Vancouverites are NEVER happy.

“It's snowing! It's cold! I hate it! Waaaaaaah!”

“It's raining! It's wet! I hate it! Waaaaaaah!”

“It's sunny! It's hot! I hate it! Waaaaaaah!"

Poor babies.

4) American politics are really really annoying. Medical care = red socialist menace. Stay-in-school programs = red socialist menace. My ham and cheese sandwich = red socialist menace. I can't even get angry anymore - just bored out of my mind.

5) Vancouver is one of the most expensive places to live in North America. We have some of the highest liquor prices in the North America, and if you travel 2 Zones on a daily basis, you're paying more for your transit than they do in New York City! Well, at least we have many exciting entertainment options, such as hiking, walking, strolling, meandering, moseying, striding, perambulating, parading...See, lots of things!

6) Exercise makes you fat. Yes. According to the latest scientific study (as seen on CNN), going to the gym will make you so hungry that you won't be able to resist heading to the nearest McDonald's for 10 Big Macs. So, stop exercising and let those pounds just melt away as you lie on your couch watching reality shows about midgets!

7) South America is awesome. Forget about the horror stories that may have happened to a friend of a friend of a friend. Just go there.

Anyways, any other thoughts about 2009?

Coming soon, New Year's Resolutions!