Netjerking

You can always tell you have reached "a certain age" by the conversations you have with people at school. If you talk to your classmates about upcoming parties, hot guys, or the strange mannerisms of your professors, breathe a sigh of relief. You're still safe from the scourge of “networking.”

But, one day, you will find yourself in an adult education or professional development course, and the pretension will begin. If you introduce yourself to that guy beside you, forget about party invites or gossip about mutual friends. Prepare instead for a job interview. He will grill you on your professional credentials, size you up, and determine if you are useful for his business interests. Instead of scribbling his phone number on your spiral notebook, he will hand you a business card, displaying his completely incomprehensible job title in all its glory (Director of Operations and Systems, Northern Region). You lose the game if you cannot give him a similarly intimidating card in return.

When you ask him about himself, he won't tell you about his hobbies, his hometown, or his family. He will give you a litany of his credentials, as if HE, in turn, is at a job interview. If he has no real credentials, he will still attempt to bury you in his professionalism. And can you blame him? In that sort of environment, I would definitely never tell you, “I watch a lot of TV, and sometimes I write a blog that nobody reads.” Instead, I would tell you, “I specialize in new media and freelance as a lifestyle blogger. I also analyze future trends in the entertainment industry.” Forget honesty, forget friendship. Just exaggerate your every accomplishment as much as possible, using as much jargon as you can. Embrace your inner phoney!

If you do call that number on the business card, prepare for an awkward coffee meeting dressed in your best suit, talking about your future strategic ambitions. A second interview, really.

I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to make friends anymore. No one past the age of 24 sets out to meet fun, like-minded people. They look for synergy, strategy, NETWORKING!

And the horror continues. Events that were once fun and relaxing (e.g. pub nights) become further extensions of the office. Over a pint, you discuss best practices in your industry, and not the guy in the corner who can't dance. Instead of gossiping about celebrity marriages, you gossip about CEOs and mergers. (Extra points for name-dropping as much as you can!) And for some reason, you're still wearing a suit and it's Saturday night.

Soon, you find you can describe your whole social life in office lingo. Take “social networking,” for instance. You can now validate going to that party, or spying on your high-school crush online, by using this handy business-like term! Soon, you will start considering the growth potential, and return on investment, of your friendships and love interests. And that's when you're lost forever in the networking abyss. I hope you love grey suits.